Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
