A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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