Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
