I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
