he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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