i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You took a bar mat shot.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
