I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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