My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
