okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
