This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
