you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
