just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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