I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
