around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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