Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
