I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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