I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
