Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
