and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
