The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
