don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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