Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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