I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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