non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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