I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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