We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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