Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
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Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
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There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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