i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
