i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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