Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
