Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
should my penis look like a turkey
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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