Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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