i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
