Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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