this beer tastes like vomit already
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
