I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
