I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
