Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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