your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just pee around me
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
