This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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