Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
