Don't make out with my wife yet
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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