im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
