we made out on top of his cat.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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