i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
