So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
