Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
