fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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