My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
