I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
