apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
