I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
