you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
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HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
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Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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