don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone