i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
