I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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