1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
