At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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